Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
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ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.