I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
You Might Also Like
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
black phone good
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
not seeing the problem
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?