You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Chicken bread
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
me adding lol on a serious message
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*