If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
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*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*