i think my razor is having a panic attack
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”