After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”