Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Education is vital
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
He-man has a Masters degree
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.