“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.