I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
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The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.