People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?