There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!