My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
This story is comedy gold 😂
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something