*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
You Might Also Like
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
work smarter, not harder
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
This kid will have a bright future.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.