Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?