a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Basically.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Planet of the Apps.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to