Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Education is vital
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.