Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
You Might Also Like
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.