When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”