remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.