When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.