I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)