Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Pretty much! 😂👀
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?