Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.