the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Monday
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip