The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
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Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
it must be school picture day
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
i think both sides are to blame here
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific