The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.