Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.