My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
All generalizations are stupid.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…