Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.