The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
🤔😂😂
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.