batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
no
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”