You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Mouse
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Flock of bats
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!