The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Siri: Retweet me.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.