[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir