Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”