Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars