The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Thursday Thought.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.