There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.