I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
So true for me
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
it is time once again
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.