13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*