Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
You Might Also Like
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you