Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton