2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Love it! 👍😂
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Attacked by a mop.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.