For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.