I might carry a baby with one hand.
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
HERE’S MARKY
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new