Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
New comic up. “Ransom”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes