Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?