there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)