“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”