My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The Birdles
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
🍞🦆
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.